Meandering Thoughts…

I hate me. A regular thought as in my breath. I am used to these self taunts. Yes, I am a masochist. I want to change and that is my answer for those who ask me why. Yes, I was happy there, in your league. I never belonged here and never will be. Now what is that making me to slow down in my path of redemption. I don’t know, well I hardly tried to know. There it is, my weakness mocking me. Laziness and Stubbornness. One day I am going to pay for this big time and I am very well aware of the bitter truth. Tasting my own medicine, I am standing here and the corridors of this devastated building never helping me in my dilemma. They are closing around suffocating me to death. These dark corridors are ending and thus my steps. Staring ahead I gauged the immensity of the wall blocking my path. The mammoth wall is stopping me as if a reminder of my life, a deadlock. Those days are gone when I used to panic at trivial things, but never fancied a day would come when I will be indifferent to grievous ones. That startled me, terribly. Now there is only a way out, I should back off. Return to where I began. Ignore all those voices beyond this wall, the calls of my beloved ones. And I am back to square one. Again don’t ask me the same question, why. Such a nagging one, I never wanted to answer that and don’t insist me, at least after this. Now the confusions and some sympathies and again the faces which are aghast by realization or the ever killing indifference, I can’t bear any of your reactions.

Many decades are going to pass like this, without any clue. No one can comprehend my words or my deeds. And I never took any pain to enlighten others, it’s not my job.  My job is all together a different thing. The moment I understood is past and the moment I am going to act is far away. This incomprehensive way of talking is something I connect to myself, often boasting and sometimes contented. That is how you are going to swirl round and round in a well, well no offence to those dimwits. Gathering the shredded pieces of my sanity, I force myself to ponder over this insanity. Well said me, well done indeed and the surprise element should poke you when it is not like this, because it is all normal here.

Like everything else in my life, the silence in me too has the element of audacity, I am the girl who dares to dare. And like that it goes, my silence, until it is broken by an impatient groan followed by a low swearing under his breath. ‘This girl is definitely going to be my end’. Really? I too wonder often how we are together this long, very long indeed that this had been like a miraculous achievement on the light of our endless differences. Or his infamous opposite attracts funda, whatever it is, I hardly give a hoot. Still, that single sentence out of his mouth will take me off-guard and I will give up, ending in him. No other explanations but I am a weirdo. I will find that so called haven in him and I swear on God, he knows that and definitely enjoys my impuissance.


Nuances of Love

My eternal affinity for variety or the aftermath of V day, either way I am writing about Love, once again. Remember my lament about a rather barren-slash-nonexistent love in my life?  After writing that post I did a serious cerebration on the same and I am surprised by the depth of my own thoughts, there were times when I couldn’t pull myself out of them. This is going to give me some you-are-impossible looks and skeptical eyebrow-raisings, but I should say this. I did a miniscule research on Love. #feeling_sheepish. Trust me, I did and trust me again, it was highly befuddling. Love is definitely an overrated word, and feelings too. So, I decided to help it out. A subtle version, sort of… Since Love is a cosmopolitan affair, I would stick to one of its shades, Romance. And as I said in the previous post, this entire thesis will be written from my mind, not from my heart.

“I am unconditionally and irrevocably in love with him”, Stephenie Meyer, Twilight. This sentence is too good to be real. I mean, I never want to offend all those deeply-in-love claimers but I believe such things will happen only in fantasies.

Love, essentially, can be defined by seven solid words. They are Acceptance, Trust, Loyalty, Care, Compatibility, Desire and Forgiveness. All these seven entities are combined together in the right proportions to obtain the greatest synergy in the world, just like the way seven colors combine to form light. It is the truest, bravest, strongest and the most beautiful power ever known to mankind. Permutations and combinations of these entities will give you different nuances of love.

Tumhi Ho Bandhu…

The inspiration for the below post, apart from my wayward thoughts, is this beautiful song I fell in love the very first time I heard it.

Yaara tere sadke.. Ishq sikha..
Main toh aayi jag tajh ke.. Ishq sikha..
Jab yaar kare parwah meri
Mujhe kya parwah iss duniya ki
Jag mujhpe lagaaye pabandhi
Main hoon hi nahi iss duniya ki
Tumhi din chadhe
Tumhi din dhale
Tumhi ho bandhu
Sakha tumhi..


Valentine’s Day Special: Teach me to love, the way the world do.

Leaning forward, resting my hands on the windowsill, I stared at the vehicles zooming east and west. Just like that, thoughts zoomed in my head. And then I stumbled on one of them, a fleeing one. Valentine’s Day. A sudden thrill rushed through my spine. I frowned. What do I have to do with that anyway? Let’s write something. A voice echoed from inside my head. Seriously? My mind had finally lost it. I, for one, writing on love will be nothing less than jeopardy. Let’s try. I rolled my eyes. Where is this getting me in to. Heaven. Heaven? I switched on my laptop finally surrendering to my weirdo mind. It is time I have some fun and for the first time I am writing something for this day. Rubbing my hand together I started to attack the keyboard.

‘I love you.’ You will hear me saying the three words once in a blue moon. Now before anyone come and mark me as uncompassionate and unromantic, I would like to defend myself. I am a bit reserved and somewhat shy to express my feelings so openly. Love. It should be felt, without being declared, before being confirmed or even after being denied. Albeit I find it quite unnecessary to shout out the love, there is this truth I can’t help but admit that even if I wish I couldn’t say, so freely, those three words. It’s not because I am hardhearted but I don’t get its meaning often. Love for me is not from heart. It is from mind. And you ask me how one can love from mind?

 I am neither a giver nor a gainer of love. I mean the ishq wala love. I don’t know what that thing is. Poor me. In all these 24 years of my life I seldom had the luck to experience that. And now, I need to.. I want to know that love, which the world knows, which the people go crazy for, which the poets wrote verses on, which man preached. Teach me how to love, the way the world loves.

Oops. This was not what I intended to write. Since I ended up with this mess and all I am left with is an ounce of energy to get up and walk to my bed, I am posting this.

Happy Valentine’s Day to all in Love, out of Love.

Milestone Musing

I am happy. I am sad. I am guilty. I am confused. Period.

I am happy for everything had turned out to be good. I am sad for nothing is good for anymore.  I am guilty for my own reasons I seldom wish to share. And I am confused for being clueless of what next.

What not next? Anything can happen in my life. Recently my life has turned out to be quite drastic and random with lots of drama. There was a time I would welcome this episode with great zeal but not now. Hitherto the roller coaster ride of events had taken its toll on me, finally. I feel more like a zombie and less like a Muhsina. So? *shrugging my shoulders* What’s the difference anyway? *tongue in cheek* I do enjoy mocking myself, at times, and at times, mocked by someone else.

La la la la la …. My own version of victory song. *once more* La la la la la …. After a long break I am back at my blog business. Some beautiful days are passed, plainly, freely, fairly and empty. I was totally blank and couldn’t write a single sentence. The stress, the workload, the deadlines, the mess is back and here I am all ‘let’s-write-something-baby’ mood. It sounds like I need to be all stressed and worked out to touch that creativity nerve.

I was not lying when I said I was happy. My first semester MTech results came out and I am safe. And about the sadness and the rest of feelings I have mentioned.. oops.. I hardly have the time to explain. I mean, tomorrow is internals of my mini project. I should be doing some serious revisions. So to say… what to say? I quit for now.