Meandering Thoughts…

I hate me. A regular thought as in my breath. I am used to these self taunts. Yes, I am a masochist. I want to change and that is my answer for those who ask me why. Yes, I was happy there, in your league. I never belonged here and never will be. Now what is that making me to slow down in my path of redemption. I don’t know, well I hardly tried to know. There it is, my weakness mocking me. Laziness and Stubbornness. One day I am going to pay for this big time and I am very well aware of the bitter truth. Tasting my own medicine, I am standing here and the corridors of this devastated building never helping me in my dilemma. They are closing around suffocating me to death. These dark corridors are ending and thus my steps. Staring ahead I gauged the immensity of the wall blocking my path. The mammoth wall is stopping me as if a reminder of my life, a deadlock. Those days are gone when I used to panic at trivial things, but never fancied a day would come when I will be indifferent to grievous ones. That startled me, terribly. Now there is only a way out, I should back off. Return to where I began. Ignore all those voices beyond this wall, the calls of my beloved ones. And I am back to square one. Again don’t ask me the same question, why. Such a nagging one, I never wanted to answer that and don’t insist me, at least after this. Now the confusions and some sympathies and again the faces which are aghast by realization or the ever killing indifference, I can’t bear any of your reactions.

Many decades are going to pass like this, without any clue. No one can comprehend my words or my deeds. And I never took any pain to enlighten others, it’s not my job.  My job is all together a different thing. The moment I understood is past and the moment I am going to act is far away. This incomprehensive way of talking is something I connect to myself, often boasting and sometimes contented. That is how you are going to swirl round and round in a well, well no offence to those dimwits. Gathering the shredded pieces of my sanity, I force myself to ponder over this insanity. Well said me, well done indeed and the surprise element should poke you when it is not like this, because it is all normal here.

Like everything else in my life, the silence in me too has the element of audacity, I am the girl who dares to dare. And like that it goes, my silence, until it is broken by an impatient groan followed by a low swearing under his breath. ‘This girl is definitely going to be my end’. Really? I too wonder often how we are together this long, very long indeed that this had been like a miraculous achievement on the light of our endless differences. Or his infamous opposite attracts funda, whatever it is, I hardly give a hoot. Still, that single sentence out of his mouth will take me off-guard and I will give up, ending in him. No other explanations but I am a weirdo. I will find that so called haven in him and I swear on God, he knows that and definitely enjoys my impuissance.

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